1 00:00:05,260 --> 00:00:06,380 [intro music] 2 00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:08,900 [Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate 3 00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:11,740 is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, 4 00:00:11,820 --> 00:00:15,701 to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of, 5 00:00:15,781 --> 00:00:20,140 cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me. 6 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:24,581 See, they can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for. 7 00:00:24,661 --> 00:00:25,861 [Lip] Quick, leg it! 8 00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:27,780 [Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, 9 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,581 which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore. 10 00:00:31,381 --> 00:00:33,900 Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others, 11 00:00:33,981 --> 00:00:35,781 cos she's disappeared into thin air. 12 00:00:36,821 --> 00:00:39,981 And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons. 13 00:00:40,061 --> 00:00:42,661 One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah. 14 00:00:42,741 --> 00:00:44,181 Two, nits love him. 15 00:00:45,101 --> 00:00:48,101 Debbie, sent by God, total angel. 16 00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:49,661 You've to check your change, 17 00:00:49,741 --> 00:00:52,141 but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour. 18 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:56,981 Plus, lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday. 19 00:00:57,061 --> 00:00:58,381 Wicked! 20 00:00:58,461 --> 00:01:00,101 [Frank] Sheila, me bird. 21 00:01:00,181 --> 00:01:03,421 Couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like. 22 00:01:03,501 --> 00:01:06,021 Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell. 23 00:01:06,101 --> 00:01:09,381 Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream. 24 00:01:09,461 --> 00:01:11,021 Still, nobody's perfect. 25 00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:14,541 But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost 26 00:01:14,621 --> 00:01:17,780 one of the most vital necessities in life is 27 00:01:17,861 --> 00:01:20,821 they know how to throw a party! [chuckles] 28 00:01:20,901 --> 00:01:21,741 Scatter! 29 00:01:21,821 --> 00:01:23,780 [upbeat music] 30 00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:25,981 [Frank] Some days, you know you're on to a loser 31 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:27,941 before you've even had your first fart. 32 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:32,021 Others, the gods are smiling and there's nothing you can't sort out. 33 00:01:32,101 --> 00:01:36,060 I mean, yeah, you know, there's the Es in the cornflakes might help a bit, 34 00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:37,981 but why shouldn't people rub along together? 35 00:01:38,060 --> 00:01:40,860 You know what I mean? Doesn't have to be a drama, does it? 36 00:01:40,941 --> 00:01:42,661 Oh! Sorry, just finishing off. 37 00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:45,741 [Frank] I mean, look at Diana, Charles and Camilla. 38 00:01:45,821 --> 00:01:48,021 It worked out okay for them, didn't it? 39 00:01:49,541 --> 00:01:50,941 [car tyres screeching] 40 00:01:52,341 --> 00:01:54,021 -Come here, you. -[Sheila chuckles] 41 00:01:54,101 --> 00:01:56,181 -Come here. Give us a kiss. -[Sheila squeals] 42 00:01:59,181 --> 00:02:02,741 [Sheila whimpers, sighs] 43 00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:09,540 -Oh! All right, Frank? You miss me? -[Frank mumbling] 44 00:02:09,621 --> 00:02:11,661 Couldn't find the child benefit book. 45 00:02:11,741 --> 00:02:13,701 Shall we, uh, well, shall we go to the pub? 46 00:02:13,781 --> 00:02:15,781 -Yeah? All right. -Okay. 47 00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:17,701 [Frank murmurs] Come on, come on. 48 00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:25,581 Oh! 49 00:02:26,301 --> 00:02:27,421 Oh! 50 00:02:29,861 --> 00:02:30,820 [sighs] 51 00:02:36,941 --> 00:02:37,781 Oh! 52 00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:45,581 They're all so grown up now. Hardly recognised 'em. 53 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:50,380 Yeah, well, it's been hard for me. 54 00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:52,461 Responsibility for all of 'em on me own. 55 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:54,781 It's kind of weighed heavily. 56 00:02:54,861 --> 00:02:57,301 Yeah, but I'm back now, Frank. 57 00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:58,621 To lighten your load. 58 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,380 [tense music] 59 00:03:03,021 --> 00:03:06,021 -Monica! -[western music] 60 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,380 Sheila. 61 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:16,621 [suspenseful music] 62 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,181 [Sheila, Monica and Frank scream] 63 00:03:33,260 --> 00:03:34,501 [coughs] 64 00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:38,540 You all right, Sheila? You remember Monica, don't ya? 65 00:03:38,621 --> 00:03:41,540 She's come... [stammers] you know, she's come to see the kids. 66 00:03:42,861 --> 00:03:43,861 Yes. 67 00:03:43,941 --> 00:03:45,061 You told me, Frank. 68 00:03:46,621 --> 00:03:49,301 Brought your cigarettes. Would you like a drink, Monica? 69 00:03:49,941 --> 00:03:51,540 Yeah, another vodka tonic, thanks. 70 00:03:51,621 --> 00:03:54,341 -[Sheila clears throat] -Oh, yeah, right, yeah. Course I did. 71 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:58,501 Cos you asked me that... about the.. when she... Yeah, and I said... 72 00:03:58,581 --> 00:04:00,621 -Yeah, of course, yeah. -[Sheila] Right. 73 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,661 That'll be two vodka tonics, please, Jez. 74 00:04:02,741 --> 00:04:05,700 [Monica] Hmm, fancy that. Same poison. 75 00:04:05,781 --> 00:04:07,021 [Frank] And, uh... 76 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,140 just have a couple of Es, Jez. 77 00:04:10,181 --> 00:04:11,820 [door locked opens] 78 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,860 Do any of yous lot know how this works? 79 00:04:16,941 --> 00:04:19,221 -That's disgusting. -What is it? 80 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,941 It's a balloon pump. 81 00:04:22,301 --> 00:04:25,180 Eh, sorry, have we not met? I'm your neighbour. 82 00:04:25,821 --> 00:04:27,821 I want some help blowing these up. 83 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,221 It isn't a fucking request. 84 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:34,781 [Debbie] Here. 85 00:04:34,861 --> 00:04:38,141 You wouldn't be our neighbour, would you, if you hadn't stolen my daughter's house. 86 00:04:38,221 --> 00:04:39,341 Like you give a shit. 87 00:04:39,421 --> 00:04:42,901 Nearly pulled a muscle trynna scavenge her gear for your own back. 88 00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:44,141 I'm keeping it for her. 89 00:04:44,221 --> 00:04:45,901 Oh, yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba. 90 00:04:46,781 --> 00:04:48,901 Hadn't you two better get a rocket up your arse. 91 00:04:48,981 --> 00:04:50,180 Gotta be there for one. 92 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:54,381 -[Lip] Didn't know I was coming. -[Mimi] Family, aren't ya? 93 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,661 Even if you do think you're better than us. 94 00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:58,541 Our Jamie'll soon sort you out. 95 00:04:58,620 --> 00:04:59,661 [gestures] "Fuck off." 96 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:00,901 [Ian] Spliff? 97 00:05:12,141 --> 00:05:14,541 Oi, fuck off, you little wankers! 98 00:05:15,341 --> 00:05:17,021 [both laugh] 99 00:05:18,341 --> 00:05:21,500 [Karen moaning] 100 00:05:26,620 --> 00:05:27,901 What are you looking at, you perv? 101 00:05:31,861 --> 00:05:33,541 [delivery guy grunts] 102 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,981 [delivery guy pants] 103 00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:42,701 [exhales heavily] 104 00:05:42,781 --> 00:05:43,981 Sign there, love. 105 00:05:46,421 --> 00:05:48,461 Ta. See you in a couple of days. 106 00:05:48,541 --> 00:05:49,581 [Karen] Yeah. 107 00:05:51,581 --> 00:05:55,380 [sexy music] 108 00:05:57,060 --> 00:05:58,461 [grunts] But I need to go! 109 00:05:58,541 --> 00:05:59,740 [Debbie] It's not my problem, Norma. 110 00:05:59,821 --> 00:06:02,701 You can't do this! There's such a thing as human rights, you know? 111 00:06:02,781 --> 00:06:04,620 I'm entitled to a toilet. 112 00:06:04,701 --> 00:06:06,021 Where's Mon? She'll let us. 113 00:06:06,101 --> 00:06:07,500 -[Ian] Gone out. -[Norma sighs] 114 00:06:07,581 --> 00:06:10,821 Which is exactly what you should be doing, Norma. Going home. 115 00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:13,380 Unless you want to pay us rent for sleeping in the Dormobile. 116 00:06:13,461 --> 00:06:16,541 Where's she gone? She's never up before 11. 117 00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:20,021 [tuts, gasps] Look, Debbie, I'm gonna piss myself. 118 00:06:20,101 --> 00:06:21,141 [tuts] Oh... 119 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:27,661 [Mimi] Look at you. 120 00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:29,541 Makes a mother so proud. 121 00:06:31,901 --> 00:06:33,620 You look like a stiff in a body bag. 122 00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:37,021 Straighten your face or our Jamie will put you in a fucking body bag! 123 00:06:37,101 --> 00:06:39,261 -[Paddy] Uh, uh, uh... -Pack it in, you two. 124 00:06:39,341 --> 00:06:41,380 Micky, reminds me of your first communion. 125 00:06:41,461 --> 00:06:43,981 Right, when he comes out, don't overcrowd him, okay? 126 00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:46,101 What did you make us all fucking come for, then? 127 00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:48,541 Oi! Watch your mouth, fucking gobshite! 128 00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:52,221 So he knows we appreciate him. And what he's done for us. 129 00:06:52,301 --> 00:06:54,940 -And how much we love him. -[Shane] Where is he, then? 130 00:06:55,021 --> 00:06:56,141 Haven't fed my snake yet. 131 00:06:56,221 --> 00:06:59,661 -Jesus Chr--! -Can't we just... ask somebody? 132 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:06,261 So, you just left her, then. 133 00:07:07,421 --> 00:07:10,781 Look, I won't say I was wrong to leave my kids, but, um... 134 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:12,861 I had my reasons. 135 00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:15,260 But I'm back now. 136 00:07:15,341 --> 00:07:17,461 And Norma isn't part of that. End of story. 137 00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:20,021 How's she taking it? 138 00:07:21,221 --> 00:07:24,901 You have to learn to accept change, don't you? Whenever it comes. 139 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,861 Right... It's your round then, Monica, ain't it? 140 00:07:28,940 --> 00:07:31,861 Oh! What am I like? Same again? 141 00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:47,021 It's bound to happen, innit? [chuckles] 142 00:07:47,861 --> 00:07:49,021 Norma's not exactly... 143 00:07:51,101 --> 00:07:51,940 Is she? 144 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,781 Can't... say I blame her. 145 00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:01,700 It's good. 146 00:08:02,861 --> 00:08:06,461 You know, for the kids, though. You know... they've got their mother back. 147 00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:15,301 So, when... did I tell ya? 148 00:08:17,341 --> 00:08:18,661 You tell me, Frank. 149 00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:20,060 What? 150 00:08:20,141 --> 00:08:23,461 You must have told me some time, mustn't you, cos why would you have not? 151 00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:24,380 Oh, yeah, right. 152 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,341 Well, yeah. 153 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:30,221 I was just saying to Frank, it'll be so lovely to have you back. 154 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,580 -Another pair of hands around. -Oh, that's a lovely ring, Sheila! 155 00:08:33,661 --> 00:08:36,060 -Is it QVC? -[Frank] Yeah, well... 156 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,421 Should probably go, Sheila, you know, got stuff to do, food shopping... 157 00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:42,100 No thanks, Frank. I'd rather stay here for another drink. 158 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:44,301 -Wouldn't you, Monica? -Oh, yes, I'm very happy. 159 00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:47,781 Right. 160 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,901 [Monica] Must say, you have cleaned up his act 161 00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:53,261 if he's willing to leave the pub before closing time. [chuckles] 162 00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:54,861 Different man, aren't you, Frank? 163 00:08:54,941 --> 00:08:55,980 Mmm. 164 00:08:58,381 --> 00:08:59,701 [sipping] Mmm. 165 00:09:01,301 --> 00:09:03,021 Oh, another one down. 166 00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,061 I do admire your restraint, Sheila. 167 00:09:07,621 --> 00:09:08,621 Right. 168 00:09:11,061 --> 00:09:13,980 -You let him out, you bastards! -You tell 'em, Ma. 169 00:09:14,061 --> 00:09:16,501 You let my Jamie out or I'll have the lot of yous! 170 00:09:16,581 --> 00:09:18,821 They let him out two hours ago. 171 00:09:18,901 --> 00:09:21,621 -Oh, for fuck's sake! -This is your fault, Shane. 172 00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,781 Ya... fucking wanker! 173 00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:40,220 [in tears] All I'm saying is... 174 00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:45,261 home-made mayonnaise can make up egg or prawns. 175 00:09:47,181 --> 00:09:52,100 All it takes is eight minutes of patience, 176 00:09:52,181 --> 00:09:55,021 but no one tries any more. 177 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,741 -They just don't... -[glass shatters] 178 00:09:56,821 --> 00:09:58,141 -[Ian] Mum. -[Frank] Maybe we should-- 179 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:00,980 Ooh! Good timing. Another round ready. 180 00:10:01,061 --> 00:10:01,941 [Sheila whimpers] 181 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,261 [Ian] Four eighty. 182 00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,860 Knocking 'em back, aren't ya? 183 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,381 Just getting to know Sheila. 184 00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:12,501 Keep the change. 185 00:10:12,581 --> 00:10:15,860 [Sheila] ...anyone except me. And it's wrong! 186 00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:18,581 It's so wrong! [sobbing] 187 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,821 It's wrong! 188 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,021 I can't... 189 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,021 I can't! Jesus! 190 00:10:25,821 --> 00:10:30,021 A glass of Gordon's. Thank you. Thank you very much. 191 00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:34,541 Right. Then. 192 00:10:34,621 --> 00:10:35,860 Just... slash. 193 00:10:35,941 --> 00:10:40,340 [Sheila muttering indistinctly] ...pastries. 194 00:10:40,421 --> 00:10:43,141 ...tried getting a job, yet? 195 00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:45,581 Oh, look who it isn't! 196 00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,181 Get a good look, did you, earlier? 197 00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:51,220 Pervert! 198 00:10:51,301 --> 00:10:53,740 -I know who he is, Karen. He's... -He's who? 199 00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,181 Jamie, I told you it was him! 200 00:10:56,261 --> 00:10:59,261 We came to get you, why didn't you phone? 201 00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:03,301 [Mimi] You've come back, me angel, you've come back to us! 202 00:11:03,381 --> 00:11:04,701 Ah! 203 00:11:04,781 --> 00:11:07,821 It's Jamie Maguire. He did ten for murder. 204 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,100 -So? He's still a perv. -Karen! 205 00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:11,141 Well, he is. 206 00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:12,980 [Paddy] Right. Come on, then, let's get you home. 207 00:11:13,061 --> 00:11:14,740 Party, party, party, eh? 208 00:11:16,581 --> 00:11:17,821 You come too. Come on. 209 00:11:19,021 --> 00:11:19,941 -[Karen grunts] -[Jez sighs] 210 00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:27,460 [Monica] Oh! 211 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,901 -I remember him. -[Frank] Monica! 212 00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:33,181 Don't be daft, Frank. I've seen it all before. 213 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,181 -Yeah, but that was-- -Come on, it's just a bit of fun. 214 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,381 She's nice, your wife, but... 215 00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,181 I bet you're not as good together as you and me were. 216 00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:44,661 -Don't start. -Do you still want me, Frank? 217 00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:47,061 [Monica passionately] Oh, yes, you do! 218 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:50,781 Come on, come with Monica. Just for a minute. Just in here. 219 00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:53,901 Yeah, come on, you dirty bastard. 220 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,661 Fuck. 221 00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:58,340 You know you want to. [moaning] 222 00:11:58,421 --> 00:12:02,460 What's the matter? Getting something at home that I can't give you? Ah? 223 00:12:02,541 --> 00:12:04,460 [Billy] Whoa! Sorry. 224 00:12:04,541 --> 00:12:07,261 No, it's the gents, this, love, y'know, 225 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:09,661 that's why it says it on the door. All right, Billy. 226 00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:12,541 Yeah, you know, it's what little man's all about. 227 00:12:12,621 --> 00:12:14,261 Gents pee standing up, don't they? 228 00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,381 Oh, Officer! 229 00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,340 Fucking women, hey, Billy, can't fucking shoot them! 230 00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,421 Oh, dear, what's happened here? 231 00:12:27,501 --> 00:12:32,381 Come on. Come on, Sheila, let's get... Let's get you home. I've got ya. 232 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,781 It's all right. Don't wretch up here. 233 00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:37,620 [grunts] All right, I got ya. Just... 234 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,181 -Yeah. See you later. -[Sheila whimpers] 235 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,661 See you later. 236 00:12:44,381 --> 00:12:47,141 Hey, what won the three o'clock at Haydock, Dave, d'you know? 237 00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:49,581 [Dave] Ambleton, mate, you've lost your money. 238 00:12:49,661 --> 00:12:50,980 [laughter] 239 00:12:52,061 --> 00:12:53,220 [Paddy] Welcome home, son. 240 00:12:53,301 --> 00:12:56,901 -Cheers! -[all cheering] 241 00:12:57,701 --> 00:12:59,220 It's grand to have you back. 242 00:12:59,301 --> 00:13:01,661 Soon clean up round this place, show 'em who's boss. 243 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,421 -Jamie Maguire, back on the manor! -[balloon bursts] 244 00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:06,460 Shane, will you stop doing that, you little shite! 245 00:13:06,541 --> 00:13:07,781 Your mother went to a lotta trouble. 246 00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:10,261 -So, you gonna tell him then or what? -Tell me what? 247 00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:11,941 We've got you a little job, you know, 248 00:13:12,021 --> 00:13:14,021 -help you get back on your feet. -Set you up, like. 249 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,541 -But I'm in it as well, aren't I? -All right, Shane. 250 00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:20,661 -It's a kidnapping. Total no-brainer. -Look, if it's Shane's job, let him do it. 251 00:13:21,781 --> 00:13:22,740 I'm not interested. 252 00:13:24,901 --> 00:13:26,501 [Paddy] Now look what you've done! 253 00:13:34,061 --> 00:13:34,901 Frank? 254 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,421 I want to go on top. 255 00:13:39,661 --> 00:13:42,381 [ominous tone] Oh, Monica, no. 256 00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,781 [breathing heavily] 257 00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:55,181 [Frank snoring] 258 00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:13,021 [alarm buzzing] 259 00:14:18,781 --> 00:14:21,021 [snoring] 260 00:14:23,460 --> 00:14:24,620 [Norma, Sheila gasp] 261 00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:26,181 [quietly] Oh! Hello, Norma. 262 00:14:26,261 --> 00:14:27,941 All right? Hi. 263 00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:33,500 [Monica] It's got lots of vitamin C in it, 264 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,061 which is very good for you. 265 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,581 Bitch! [nervous breathing] 266 00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:43,821 [Monica] You don't need to do it for him. 267 00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:46,620 [Carl unintelligible] 268 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:54,620 [Sheila exhales] 269 00:14:54,701 --> 00:14:57,661 Come on, then. Come on, be quiet, she might hear. 270 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:03,021 -[Norma] Cat litter! -[Yvonne] You what? 271 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,821 As in, litter for cats. 272 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:09,340 Is everyone around here retarded? 273 00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:12,941 I need the fucking toilet! [grunts] 274 00:15:13,021 --> 00:15:14,581 Norma, hello. 275 00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:16,261 You could use ours. 276 00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:18,301 Oh, thank fuck. Somebody normal. 277 00:15:18,381 --> 00:15:20,821 [gasps] Um, but, you're gonna have to take your shoes off. 278 00:15:20,901 --> 00:15:22,901 Please don't touch the walls, cos I've cleaned. 279 00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:25,340 -[Norma] Right. Well, hurry, then. -Let's go. 280 00:15:35,421 --> 00:15:37,100 [Shane] Ah, see... I didn't need you. 281 00:15:37,181 --> 00:15:38,661 What the fuck is that? 282 00:15:39,581 --> 00:15:42,581 A Royal Heffernan. 9-4 favourite, Saturday! 283 00:15:42,661 --> 00:15:45,901 Dead fucking cert. Owner's got a mint riding on it. 284 00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:48,980 They'll soon cough up the ransom to get him back, though! 285 00:15:49,061 --> 00:15:52,421 And because you didn't pitch in, now you don't see any of the wedge. 286 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,620 -I've got my own plans. -Course you have. 287 00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:55,941 Chip off the old block, eh? 288 00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:59,061 I'm gonna run him in some other races while I've got him, aren't I? 289 00:15:59,141 --> 00:16:00,380 Make it even more cash. 290 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,261 No one will even recognise him. 291 00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:03,581 Really? 292 00:16:03,661 --> 00:16:04,821 -Yep. -[horse whinnies] 293 00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:07,340 Kidnap a jockey as well, then, have you? 294 00:16:07,421 --> 00:16:10,061 [suspenseful music] 295 00:16:11,181 --> 00:16:13,021 [grunts, panting] 296 00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:16,301 It's like she's some fucking changeling or something. 297 00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:17,661 [Norma] One minute it's all, 298 00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:20,261 "I'll have your stir-fry on the table when you get back from Stuttgart," 299 00:16:20,340 --> 00:16:22,100 and the next, dust. 300 00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:24,821 She wouldn't even talk to us, the mad bitch. 301 00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:27,301 Oh, but I love her. 302 00:16:28,301 --> 00:16:31,821 So... what do you think happened, then? 303 00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:33,220 Well, it's obvious, isn't it? 304 00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:36,021 Richard and bastard Judy. 305 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,421 I told her not to watch that crap! 306 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:41,421 Some Christian wanker banging on about family. 307 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,701 We're the victims in this, Sheila. Me and her. 308 00:16:44,301 --> 00:16:48,380 Fucking patriarchal, hegemony pissing all over us. 309 00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:51,980 So, you don't think she's back for them, then? 310 00:16:52,061 --> 00:16:56,220 Sheila, she had some, um, past life regression last solstice. 311 00:16:56,301 --> 00:16:58,301 Came back saying the kids weren't even hers. 312 00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:01,301 Belong to some fucking witch in the 14th century. 313 00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:04,660 But she stood on a lay line and sent the kids to the wrong womb. 314 00:17:04,741 --> 00:17:06,140 Course she's not back for them. 315 00:17:06,221 --> 00:17:07,940 But she's still a lesbian though? 316 00:17:08,021 --> 00:17:10,221 Yeah, course she is, you daft bitch. [farting] 317 00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:14,301 I mean, yeah, we may not have had sex in the past eight months, like, but... 318 00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:16,221 well, you don't go back and forward, do ya? 319 00:17:16,301 --> 00:17:18,180 -No sex? -Hang on a minute, Sheila. 320 00:17:18,261 --> 00:17:21,581 I can't do two things at once here. [farting] 321 00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:22,501 Ah! 322 00:17:23,741 --> 00:17:26,541 Hey, Sheila? You got any more bog roll? 323 00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:27,900 She... Sheila! 324 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,261 [front door bangs] 325 00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:36,821 -[Norma screaming] Fucking privates! -[Franks screams] 326 00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,221 Pervert! 327 00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:42,621 Who is it then? Peters and Lee? 328 00:17:44,101 --> 00:17:46,341 It is Kevin and Veronica. 329 00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:49,861 I was gonna say, I didn't know they put Peters and Lee in prison. 330 00:17:49,940 --> 00:17:53,821 Mind you. 'Welcome Home' weren't much of a song, was it? 331 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:55,861 That "Rainy Days and Mondays" were better. 332 00:17:55,940 --> 00:17:58,981 -That weren't Peters and Lee, though. -Do you mind? 333 00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:01,221 My daughter's been incarcerated. 334 00:18:01,301 --> 00:18:04,141 She's not exactly Nelson fucking Mandela, Carol. 335 00:18:04,221 --> 00:18:05,101 Thank you. 336 00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:06,701 She was trying to steal a baby. 337 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,381 She was paying for it. 338 00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:11,021 What? With the money that she'd stole from everyone around 'ere? 339 00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:12,940 Can't see you getting many fucking takers. 340 00:18:13,021 --> 00:18:16,101 I'm only doing what any mother would do. 341 00:18:17,141 --> 00:18:20,061 I've got to do something. 342 00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:23,261 [weeping] Even if it's just widow's mites. 343 00:18:24,341 --> 00:18:27,261 -I'll have a T-shirt, Carol. -[Carol crying] 344 00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:29,501 [cries, laughs] 345 00:18:29,581 --> 00:18:30,621 Out of my pension. 346 00:18:34,741 --> 00:18:39,461 I just thought, now that we're friends, we could go shopping together. 347 00:18:39,541 --> 00:18:42,061 Sorry, Sheil. I'm too busy here. 348 00:18:42,141 --> 00:18:44,981 I could babysit the twins for you at yours, if you like. 349 00:18:45,621 --> 00:18:47,821 No, it's just I need to get some new stuff. 350 00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,341 And I thought... [sighs] 351 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,861 since we like the same drink, 352 00:18:51,861 --> 00:18:53,940 maybe we have the same taste in clothes. 353 00:18:54,021 --> 00:18:56,821 I mean... you could give me a second opinion. 354 00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,301 [Sheila] We could have a nice girly day out. 355 00:19:00,381 --> 00:19:02,420 -I could do the washing up, Mum. -[Sheila] Oh! 356 00:19:03,621 --> 00:19:04,501 [Monica exhales] 357 00:19:07,741 --> 00:19:08,741 [door opens] 358 00:19:10,861 --> 00:19:11,741 [door closes] 359 00:19:12,461 --> 00:19:15,261 See this? Ned Kelly. Proper Irish hero. 360 00:19:17,061 --> 00:19:19,021 Morning, can I help yous officers? 361 00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,501 -[stammers] We were just-- -A racehorse has been stolen. 362 00:19:22,581 --> 00:19:24,021 And we wanna know if you've seen anything. 363 00:19:24,101 --> 00:19:25,741 No. 364 00:19:25,821 --> 00:19:26,821 Haven't seen anything. 365 00:19:28,141 --> 00:19:30,581 Jamie! Have you met Jamie, my eldest? 366 00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:31,861 Have you seen anything? 367 00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,061 Not so's I recall. 368 00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:36,501 Shane, have you seen a racehorse around these parts? 369 00:19:36,581 --> 00:19:37,541 I ain't seen shit. 370 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,621 Sorry, can't help you. We haven't seen anything. 371 00:19:42,261 --> 00:19:44,700 If we do, we'll let you know. 372 00:19:44,781 --> 00:19:45,981 Right. Obliged. 373 00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:47,501 And very nice to meet ya! 374 00:19:54,180 --> 00:19:57,021 -What are you doing? -Different horse. Hasn't got white socks. 375 00:20:00,461 --> 00:20:04,021 [indistinct chatter] 376 00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:07,900 Yeah, see, I just need to know-- 377 00:20:07,981 --> 00:20:09,621 [man] There's a queuing system. 378 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,981 So, get yourself a ticket, take a seat, yeah? 379 00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:23,021 [Carl] You're Jamie Maguire, aren't ya? 380 00:20:24,221 --> 00:20:26,741 -Who did you kill? -Fuck off, will ya? 381 00:20:26,821 --> 00:20:28,221 [Carl] I've killed a man. 382 00:20:28,301 --> 00:20:30,061 -No, you haven't. -I have. 383 00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,420 I shot him. 384 00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:32,781 And his head fell off. 385 00:20:34,781 --> 00:20:36,180 Well, good for you. 386 00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:39,180 So, you come to have a pop at me, then, have ya? 387 00:20:39,261 --> 00:20:41,221 Come to prove yourself to the hard man. 388 00:20:43,301 --> 00:20:45,381 Well, come on then, if you want some. 389 00:20:46,821 --> 00:20:47,700 Do you want some? 390 00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:59,221 [anticipatory music] 391 00:21:02,101 --> 00:21:03,420 All right. 392 00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:04,621 Yes, what can I get ya? 393 00:21:05,221 --> 00:21:06,221 Pint of lager... 394 00:21:06,301 --> 00:21:08,900 And, uh, any chance of a job going? 395 00:21:08,981 --> 00:21:11,501 -[Jez] Uh... Job? -A Job? 396 00:21:11,581 --> 00:21:12,821 -That's right. -Here? 397 00:21:13,781 --> 00:21:14,861 This is your pub, innit? 398 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,261 Right, right. And, um, how much will you want paying for that? 399 00:21:19,221 --> 00:21:20,501 Whatever the going rate is. 400 00:21:21,461 --> 00:21:22,301 I dunno. 401 00:21:23,581 --> 00:21:25,021 Well, make me an offer, then. 402 00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:33,021 -What do you pay for a protection racket? -How the fuck should I know? 403 00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,261 How about 80? 404 00:21:37,341 --> 00:21:38,381 A week? 405 00:21:40,101 --> 00:21:41,101 A day? 406 00:21:41,180 --> 00:21:42,381 -Eighty a day? -Mmm... 407 00:21:43,341 --> 00:21:45,700 All right. Is there a room with the job? 408 00:21:45,781 --> 00:21:46,660 A room? 409 00:21:48,261 --> 00:21:49,101 Yeah. 410 00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:57,460 -What you doing? That is my room. -Yeah, but you're fired. 411 00:21:57,541 --> 00:21:58,501 What? 412 00:21:59,781 --> 00:22:02,981 -All right, I shagged the delivery guy. -It's not that, it's him. 413 00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:06,381 [ominous music] 414 00:22:07,101 --> 00:22:09,021 -[man] Next! -[machine beeps] 415 00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,101 [mumbles] Oh, Christ. 416 00:22:16,021 --> 00:22:17,341 [Frank] Right, so... 417 00:22:18,221 --> 00:22:21,221 All I need, see, is a divorce. 418 00:22:21,301 --> 00:22:23,700 I was hoping that, you could, you know, 419 00:22:23,781 --> 00:22:28,940 tell me which way you do it, if, you know, you don't want her to know. 420 00:22:29,021 --> 00:22:30,341 "Her" being? 421 00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,301 The wife. 422 00:22:32,381 --> 00:22:33,341 My ex-wife. 423 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:35,581 Y'know, soon to be. [chuckles] 424 00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:37,861 Next! 425 00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:39,341 [machine beeps] 426 00:22:40,821 --> 00:22:43,341 [Sheila] It's difficult, isn't it, as you get older? 427 00:22:43,420 --> 00:22:45,981 You don't know what to wear. I mean... 428 00:22:46,061 --> 00:22:47,900 You want to look sexy, but you 429 00:22:47,981 --> 00:22:51,501 don't wanna end up looking like you charge a fiver for a hand job. [chuckles] 430 00:22:52,741 --> 00:22:56,541 Or is it the same for, I don't know, you know, lesbians? I mean... 431 00:22:57,341 --> 00:23:00,261 What age do you stop wearing cargo pants? Or... 432 00:23:00,341 --> 00:23:01,420 Or don't ya? 433 00:23:01,501 --> 00:23:03,261 Dunno. I never have. 434 00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:05,940 I prefer something more feminine. 435 00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:08,341 Oh! What, like these? 436 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:09,541 Look. 437 00:23:10,501 --> 00:23:13,141 I mean, you can never have enough lingerie, can ya? 438 00:23:13,221 --> 00:23:15,940 It's like what they say, you can never be too rich or too thin. 439 00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,341 Except for that Posh Spice. She is, isn't she? 440 00:23:18,420 --> 00:23:20,581 And she's dipped in wood stain. 441 00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:22,141 Looks lovely on you. 442 00:23:23,101 --> 00:23:26,261 Let's try some on! Come on! [Sheila exclaims excitedly] 443 00:23:27,021 --> 00:23:30,501 [Sheila] So, Monica, what kind of women do you like? 444 00:23:31,541 --> 00:23:33,381 Oh! No! 445 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:37,581 Let's sit out here, shall we? The small ones are a bit claustrophobic. 446 00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:39,381 I thought you were agoraphobic. 447 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:42,180 Well, agoraphobic, claustrophobic. 448 00:23:42,261 --> 00:23:43,821 Anything you like, really. 449 00:23:43,900 --> 00:23:46,460 Illness poker, me. Raise me one, if you like. 450 00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:49,781 Oh, God! 451 00:23:53,021 --> 00:23:54,821 What are you doing, Sheila? 452 00:23:55,621 --> 00:23:59,741 D'you want me to help you, Monica? I know you want me to help you. don't you? 453 00:23:59,821 --> 00:24:02,541 I've got very big breasts! [exclaiming excitedly] 454 00:24:02,621 --> 00:24:04,981 It's every woman's fantasy. Lesbianism! 455 00:24:05,061 --> 00:24:06,581 -Get off! -[Sheila] I know it's mine. 456 00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,261 -Get off me! -We're all bisexual, aren't we? 457 00:24:08,341 --> 00:24:10,061 Are you bisexual, Monica? 458 00:24:10,141 --> 00:24:12,341 Or are you just gay? [screams] 459 00:24:13,861 --> 00:24:15,700 [Sheila gasps] Sorry... 460 00:24:15,781 --> 00:24:19,700 It's not my sexuality that's in question. Did Frank put you up to this? 461 00:24:19,781 --> 00:24:23,420 I just want to know if you want him! If that's why you've come back! 462 00:24:23,501 --> 00:24:28,861 -[Monica] Get it off! Get off! [screams] -[Sheila] Monica! [screams] 463 00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:33,660 -Good God! They're on drugs. -[women gasp] 464 00:24:33,741 --> 00:24:35,541 [Monica, Sheila screaming] 465 00:24:35,621 --> 00:24:38,581 -[alarm beeping] -[Monica] Get off! 466 00:24:38,660 --> 00:24:39,940 [security guard] All right. That's enough! 467 00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,900 [Monica, Sheila screaming] 468 00:24:45,861 --> 00:24:49,420 [kids screaming, playing indistinctly] 469 00:24:50,261 --> 00:24:54,221 If you want the horse back alive get 20,000 ready in used notes. 470 00:24:54,301 --> 00:24:55,460 [horse owner] Who is this? 471 00:24:55,541 --> 00:24:57,581 Fuckin' knifeman, that's who! 472 00:24:57,660 --> 00:24:59,381 -[electric knife buzzes] -[Shane] Can you hear that? 473 00:24:59,460 --> 00:25:01,660 -[horse owner] Okay, calm down. -[Shane] And if you call the pigs again, 474 00:25:01,741 --> 00:25:03,741 you'll have Royal Heffernan's head on yer pillow, 475 00:25:03,821 --> 00:25:05,180 first thing in the fucking... 476 00:25:06,621 --> 00:25:08,021 For fuck's sake, Jamie! 477 00:25:08,101 --> 00:25:10,341 -[horse owner] Jamie? Jamie who? -You stupid fuckin' prick, Shane! 478 00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:13,341 -What did you say his name for? -[Mimi] Don't upset your brother, Shane. 479 00:25:13,420 --> 00:25:15,101 You know how gets when he's angry. 480 00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,460 Well, why don't you fucking make him do summat, then, 481 00:25:17,541 --> 00:25:19,581 -instead of hanging around pub? -Don't bother! 482 00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:20,861 I'm moving out! 483 00:25:24,141 --> 00:25:27,101 So, that's what you were after all along, was it? 484 00:25:27,180 --> 00:25:28,460 When you asked me out? 485 00:25:29,061 --> 00:25:30,581 Make a pass at me? 486 00:25:31,301 --> 00:25:32,741 I just... [sighs] 487 00:25:33,940 --> 00:25:36,581 I just wanted to know if you were still a lesbian. 488 00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:38,460 -[Monica sighs] -[Sheila] I'm sorry. 489 00:25:38,541 --> 00:25:41,220 It's just I know what a hold you used have over Frank and... 490 00:25:42,940 --> 00:25:44,220 I got scared. 491 00:25:45,861 --> 00:25:47,261 Can see why he's with you. 492 00:25:49,141 --> 00:25:50,220 Lovely figure. 493 00:25:51,501 --> 00:25:52,660 Good cook. 494 00:25:53,381 --> 00:25:54,821 City and Guilds. 495 00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:55,900 Grade 1. 496 00:25:56,501 --> 00:25:59,381 Don't think I'd even know how to be with a man any more. 497 00:25:59,460 --> 00:26:00,781 Wouldn't know what to do! 498 00:26:02,301 --> 00:26:04,940 It's like riding a bike. You never forget. 499 00:26:05,021 --> 00:26:07,741 I don't think I was very good in the first place. 500 00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:09,981 Frank and me, well... 501 00:26:10,061 --> 00:26:13,261 It's easy, just give 'em a blow-job. They do anything for one of those. 502 00:26:13,341 --> 00:26:14,420 Really? 503 00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:18,301 The trick is to hum while you're doing it. 504 00:26:18,381 --> 00:26:20,021 Makes it vibrate more. 505 00:26:21,381 --> 00:26:23,501 Tell you the truth, I found that out by accident 506 00:26:23,581 --> 00:26:26,180 when I was humming the theme tune to Ready Steady Cook. 507 00:26:26,261 --> 00:26:27,581 Frank went off like a rocket. 508 00:26:29,541 --> 00:26:32,741 "1812 Overture" is the best, though. Tchaikovsky. 509 00:26:32,821 --> 00:26:33,861 It's all those cannons. 510 00:26:35,781 --> 00:26:37,821 Frank'd do anything for those cannons. 511 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,501 So, you never said, are you... 512 00:26:47,420 --> 00:26:48,900 Are you still a lesbian, then? 513 00:26:53,101 --> 00:26:54,981 I've only ever wanted one woman. 514 00:26:56,900 --> 00:26:57,741 That's Norma. 515 00:27:00,061 --> 00:27:00,900 Oh! 516 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,541 What's the point of you crackpot, f'kin Mormon God-freaks then? 517 00:27:13,621 --> 00:27:16,220 Polygamy was the one fucking good idea you had. 518 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:17,861 Bunch of Ken dolls. 519 00:27:21,381 --> 00:27:24,180 Hey, and I'm gonna burn me Donny Osmond albums an' all! 520 00:27:29,261 --> 00:27:30,341 [Stan] Right, so... 521 00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:31,420 Huh? 522 00:27:33,301 --> 00:27:34,981 What the hell are they doing in here? 523 00:27:40,261 --> 00:27:42,301 [Carol] Oh, me feet! 524 00:27:43,821 --> 00:27:47,261 I've been around the estate twice for old coppers. 525 00:27:47,341 --> 00:27:48,660 And me. 526 00:27:48,741 --> 00:27:50,021 Think you've got problems? 527 00:27:50,821 --> 00:27:53,220 [Carol] Oh, do us a favour Lillian. Get me a drink in. 528 00:27:53,301 --> 00:27:55,021 [Lillian] Oh, what she like? 529 00:27:55,940 --> 00:28:00,061 ["Bad Day" by Daniel Powter playing] ♪ I don't need no carrying on... ♪ 530 00:28:01,101 --> 00:28:04,021 [Paddy] I don't understand. What the fuck's he playing at? 531 00:28:04,101 --> 00:28:07,101 He's got his reasons. He'll tell us when he's ready. 532 00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:10,781 ♪ You say you don't know You tell me don't lie ♪ 533 00:28:10,861 --> 00:28:13,660 All right, you lot, that's your time, please! 534 00:28:13,741 --> 00:28:15,420 [punter] What's going on here now? 535 00:28:16,261 --> 00:28:18,420 Where's the fuck you been? Not till twelve! 536 00:28:20,301 --> 00:28:23,660 I mean, it's just that we can open later now, than, than before. 537 00:28:24,460 --> 00:28:26,741 It's all right, everybody. It's just a mistake. 538 00:28:26,821 --> 00:28:28,180 We're open till 12! 539 00:28:28,261 --> 00:28:30,141 Oi! Sit back down! 540 00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:47,261 So, have you got everything you need, have you? 541 00:28:47,341 --> 00:28:49,581 Uh, yeah. Good night. 542 00:28:50,220 --> 00:28:51,180 Good night. 543 00:28:51,900 --> 00:28:53,660 Why don't you get him dancing girls an' all? 544 00:28:53,741 --> 00:28:56,460 Karen, he's mutilated people. What do you want me to do? 545 00:28:56,541 --> 00:28:57,420 Grow a spine? 546 00:28:57,501 --> 00:29:00,821 Hey, I'm not having that. All right, it's your choice. 547 00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:03,420 You can share with me, or you can share with him. 548 00:29:21,301 --> 00:29:23,900 [door creaking] 549 00:29:28,460 --> 00:29:31,301 [ominous anticipatory music] 550 00:29:32,141 --> 00:29:33,021 Jamie? 551 00:29:37,660 --> 00:29:38,700 What, what d'you want? 552 00:30:04,741 --> 00:30:06,021 [Jamie moans] 553 00:30:08,261 --> 00:30:09,781 [Jamie moans] 554 00:30:36,381 --> 00:30:37,660 [sighs with relief] 555 00:30:46,180 --> 00:30:48,861 [clicking tongue] 556 00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:52,220 Oh, where the fuck? 557 00:30:57,621 --> 00:31:00,220 She actually said she wanted to get back with Norma? 558 00:31:00,301 --> 00:31:01,940 Ah! She might as well have done. 559 00:31:02,541 --> 00:31:05,261 It's... it's just gone stale. 560 00:31:05,341 --> 00:31:06,861 You can tell. 561 00:31:06,940 --> 00:31:09,021 [huffs] Norma not making an effort, 562 00:31:09,621 --> 00:31:13,021 Monica frustrated, taking out her anger. 563 00:31:13,781 --> 00:31:15,381 You know what it's like. 564 00:31:15,460 --> 00:31:18,220 Been together for a while, first casualty's cunnilingus. 565 00:31:19,501 --> 00:31:20,821 Well, you will. 566 00:31:20,900 --> 00:31:24,180 [orgasmic-like moaning] 567 00:31:25,301 --> 00:31:27,741 She wants to go home with Norma, 568 00:31:27,821 --> 00:31:28,741 I know she does. 569 00:31:29,781 --> 00:31:31,141 [sighs] 570 00:31:31,220 --> 00:31:33,781 [gasps] Bring the Fuzzaway. We might need it. 571 00:31:34,621 --> 00:31:37,061 [orgasmic-like moaning] 572 00:31:46,621 --> 00:31:47,660 'Ere, horsey, horsey! 573 00:31:48,381 --> 00:31:49,541 Have you seen an 'orse? 574 00:31:49,621 --> 00:31:52,061 -[kid] An 'orse? -Yes, a fucking horse. 575 00:31:52,141 --> 00:31:53,861 About that big. You can't miss it. 576 00:31:55,180 --> 00:31:56,061 Forget it. 577 00:31:58,700 --> 00:32:01,180 Royal Heffernan! Royee! 578 00:32:01,261 --> 00:32:02,501 Gypo! 579 00:32:02,581 --> 00:32:04,261 -Fuck off! -[kid] Leg it! 580 00:32:07,861 --> 00:32:11,061 Argh! I'm not conforming to this shite, Sheila. 581 00:32:11,660 --> 00:32:15,220 It's just society scared of real women and our hairy bits. 582 00:32:16,021 --> 00:32:18,180 -[Sheila giggles] -Wanting us to look like kids. 583 00:32:18,261 --> 00:32:19,581 Yeah, but sometimes, Norma, 584 00:32:19,660 --> 00:32:22,581 it's just making the gesture, that's all it takes. 585 00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:25,861 It's like chilli con carne. If you lose the garnish, 586 00:32:25,940 --> 00:32:27,621 all of civilisation crumbles. 587 00:32:28,261 --> 00:32:31,541 She's gotta remember you're attractive to other women, that's all. 588 00:32:31,621 --> 00:32:32,621 Well, look. 589 00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:35,821 -Says here, "Lack creates desire and--" -[Norma] Hey, hey, ow! 590 00:32:35,900 --> 00:32:38,980 If that's that Freud pillock I'm not having it! 591 00:32:39,061 --> 00:32:41,581 Fuckin' going on about chicks wanting dicks. 592 00:32:41,660 --> 00:32:42,821 Fuck's he on? 593 00:32:42,900 --> 00:32:44,180 It's Jade Goody in Hello. 594 00:32:44,261 --> 00:32:46,781 [Sheila] Yeah, but we all need a boost now and again. 595 00:32:46,861 --> 00:32:48,220 Freshen ourselves up. 596 00:32:48,301 --> 00:32:50,261 Are you saying I smell? 597 00:32:50,341 --> 00:32:51,541 No! [laughs nervously] 598 00:32:51,621 --> 00:32:53,420 No, of course not, Norma. 599 00:32:53,501 --> 00:32:55,180 Well, you do a bit. 600 00:32:55,261 --> 00:32:56,141 Anyway. 601 00:32:56,220 --> 00:32:57,980 You should have a soak in there for a minute, and... 602 00:32:58,061 --> 00:33:00,621 get you a glass of dry Italian. 603 00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:02,581 -There you go. -Cheers. 604 00:33:02,660 --> 00:33:03,581 Come on. 605 00:33:05,021 --> 00:33:08,660 -[Norma hums a song] -[Sheila chuckles] 606 00:33:11,261 --> 00:33:14,141 ["Bang Bang by BA Anderson playing] ♪ ...Vampire friends desire to lust ♪ 607 00:33:14,220 --> 00:33:15,581 ♪ Fang Fang... ♪ 608 00:33:17,180 --> 00:33:19,581 -[coins rattling] -Bloody Nora. 609 00:33:19,660 --> 00:33:22,541 Well, don't look at me. I didn't put owt in it. 610 00:33:22,621 --> 00:33:25,381 How the fuck do you lose a bleedin' horse? 611 00:33:25,460 --> 00:33:27,541 I don't know. I think someone's nicked it. 612 00:33:27,621 --> 00:33:28,621 It weren't my fault. 613 00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,900 Jesus Christ alive! 614 00:33:32,341 --> 00:33:34,420 ♪ Bang bang ♪ 615 00:33:34,501 --> 00:33:36,861 -[sighs] -There you go. 616 00:33:36,940 --> 00:33:37,900 Fuck d'you want? 617 00:33:37,980 --> 00:33:40,501 Well, I thought a round on the house can't hurt, can it? 618 00:33:40,581 --> 00:33:44,101 Cut the fucking shite. What d'you want? 619 00:33:44,180 --> 00:33:46,740 Well, look, the thing is, Mimi... 620 00:33:46,821 --> 00:33:48,541 your Jamie and this, uh, this job he's doing... 621 00:33:48,621 --> 00:33:50,021 and I don't know what it is, but please, 622 00:33:50,101 --> 00:33:52,581 this pub is my life and if the brewery get wind of it, I'm sunk. 623 00:33:52,660 --> 00:33:54,700 I'll give you free drinks for life, whatever! 624 00:33:54,781 --> 00:33:58,381 -Just, please, speak to him-- -My Jamie does what he likes, 625 00:33:58,460 --> 00:34:00,301 where he likes. 626 00:34:00,381 --> 00:34:02,940 Hey, Jamie, you just carry on, lad, 627 00:34:03,021 --> 00:34:06,061 with whatever job it is you're doing from here. 628 00:34:06,141 --> 00:34:07,660 We're right behind ya. 629 00:34:08,860 --> 00:34:09,981 I'm not running a job. 630 00:34:10,061 --> 00:34:12,541 Not from here, not from anywhere. 631 00:34:12,621 --> 00:34:14,621 I'm going straight. 632 00:34:14,700 --> 00:34:17,541 That's why I took the 'orse back to its owner. 633 00:34:17,621 --> 00:34:19,740 You fuckin' what? 634 00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:21,141 [thud] 635 00:34:25,141 --> 00:34:27,700 Now, has anybody else got a problem with that? 636 00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:31,220 [sniffles] Cock. 637 00:34:33,501 --> 00:34:36,300 You see, Black Forest gateau's got a terrible reputation, 638 00:34:36,381 --> 00:34:38,740 but it's actually a very sensual cake. 639 00:34:38,820 --> 00:34:42,180 Rustic, invented in the 1930s. 640 00:34:42,260 --> 00:34:44,421 Well, sounds lovely, Sheila. 641 00:34:44,501 --> 00:34:47,621 And Monica loves chocolate. She told me. 642 00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:49,860 It's one of the things that Norma won't let her have. 643 00:34:49,941 --> 00:34:52,981 Which is very short-sighted of her, cos it's actually an aphrodisiac. 644 00:34:53,061 --> 00:34:55,061 [chuckles] You wait till she gets her hands on this, 645 00:34:55,141 --> 00:34:57,381 there'll be no holding her back, the dirty bitch. 646 00:34:57,461 --> 00:35:00,501 Oh, and it's a very evocative name for lesbians. 647 00:35:00,581 --> 00:35:02,340 Unless she waxes... 648 00:35:02,421 --> 00:35:04,780 Come on. Let's get this over there. 649 00:35:04,860 --> 00:35:06,340 [Sheila exhales excitedly] 650 00:35:07,340 --> 00:35:09,701 [dramatic music] 651 00:35:13,261 --> 00:35:14,141 Oh! 652 00:35:17,101 --> 00:35:18,661 Norma? 653 00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:28,101 You all right, Bird? 654 00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:31,701 Dinner is served. 655 00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:35,501 Come on. 656 00:35:52,181 --> 00:35:53,941 You look nice, Norma. 657 00:35:56,621 --> 00:35:59,101 You've even got lipstick on. 658 00:35:59,181 --> 00:36:01,941 Eh... It's a... 659 00:36:02,021 --> 00:36:04,741 It's "Fanny Pink". 660 00:36:04,820 --> 00:36:06,340 Debbie gave it me. 661 00:36:08,421 --> 00:36:10,581 It's "Fancy Pink". 662 00:36:10,661 --> 00:36:12,621 I told you need glasses. 663 00:36:14,221 --> 00:36:16,101 You told me you loved me. 664 00:36:18,181 --> 00:36:19,061 So... 665 00:36:20,101 --> 00:36:21,741 What happened, Bird? 666 00:36:21,820 --> 00:36:23,661 Can't we sort this out? 667 00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:28,741 -Keep the change. -Cheers, mate. 668 00:36:28,820 --> 00:36:31,461 -So he's really going straight then? -Apparently. 669 00:36:31,541 --> 00:36:33,501 Great! Then I can have me job back. 670 00:36:33,581 --> 00:36:37,381 Oi! You only got me job because people are too scared of ya. 671 00:36:37,461 --> 00:36:38,421 Karen! 672 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:42,381 -So, this was -My job, and now I want it back! 673 00:36:42,461 --> 00:36:45,741 Hang on a minute! I have some say in this, it is my pub 674 00:36:45,820 --> 00:36:47,780 and there's been no trouble in here since he started! 675 00:36:47,860 --> 00:36:49,381 -Jez! -So, why don't you share it? 676 00:36:49,461 --> 00:36:50,621 Half the week each. 677 00:36:50,701 --> 00:36:51,780 That's me final offer. 678 00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:54,661 [patron] Same, again, Ian. 679 00:36:54,741 --> 00:36:57,221 [song playing in background] 680 00:36:57,300 --> 00:36:58,741 You're still a fuckin' perv! 681 00:36:59,380 --> 00:37:00,340 You what? 682 00:37:00,421 --> 00:37:02,541 You came into Jez's room last night 683 00:37:02,621 --> 00:37:04,741 and you started getting off with me dress. 684 00:37:05,340 --> 00:37:06,421 Was I sleep walkin'? 685 00:37:06,501 --> 00:37:07,981 Look, I sleep walk. 686 00:37:08,061 --> 00:37:10,661 Dunno what you were doing, but you were bollock naked 687 00:37:10,741 --> 00:37:12,541 and you were groping my dress. 688 00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:13,661 So, you saw me? 689 00:37:14,380 --> 00:37:15,261 Course I did. 690 00:37:16,061 --> 00:37:17,501 Well, how much did you see? 691 00:37:17,581 --> 00:37:18,820 Everything. 692 00:37:19,421 --> 00:37:22,581 In detail, close up. 693 00:37:24,181 --> 00:37:25,340 Who's pervin' now, eh? 694 00:37:28,421 --> 00:37:30,621 Oh, there's no community spirit anymore. 695 00:37:31,300 --> 00:37:32,981 It's every man for himself, innit? 696 00:37:33,061 --> 00:37:35,261 I should have known nobody would give anything. 697 00:37:35,340 --> 00:37:36,901 Can I have me pension back then? 698 00:37:40,421 --> 00:37:42,901 I've given it to a kiddies charity! 699 00:37:42,981 --> 00:37:45,621 Oh, what are you like. 700 00:37:55,981 --> 00:37:57,981 [Sheila breathes heavily] What's happening? 701 00:37:58,061 --> 00:37:59,021 They're holding hands. 702 00:37:59,101 --> 00:38:00,501 -Are you sure? -[Liam] Yeah. 703 00:38:00,581 --> 00:38:01,941 [panting with relief] 704 00:38:03,661 --> 00:38:05,061 There's a cherry on the top. 705 00:38:09,101 --> 00:38:10,021 Norm, 706 00:38:11,181 --> 00:38:13,261 the one thing that you can't give me 707 00:38:14,581 --> 00:38:15,661 is what I need. 708 00:38:17,181 --> 00:38:18,181 Me babies. 709 00:38:20,860 --> 00:38:22,941 So, it's, it's really them, then? 710 00:38:23,021 --> 00:38:24,221 I've told ya! 711 00:38:25,701 --> 00:38:26,780 Well, all right. 712 00:38:27,541 --> 00:38:30,860 [stutters] If that's what it's about, I'll have a baby for ya! 713 00:38:30,941 --> 00:38:35,461 -[Monica chuckles] -I mean, I'm not fucking any bloke, mind. 714 00:38:35,541 --> 00:38:39,380 We'll have to, um... get a donation, but if that's what it takes, 715 00:38:40,181 --> 00:38:41,021 I'm there. 716 00:38:42,581 --> 00:38:44,820 You'd do that for me? 717 00:38:44,901 --> 00:38:47,261 I'd do anything for you. 718 00:38:49,061 --> 00:38:52,741 Please, please, please come back to me. 719 00:38:52,820 --> 00:38:54,181 Oh, Norm. 720 00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:57,581 D'you really love me that much? 721 00:39:03,701 --> 00:39:06,141 [crying] 722 00:39:07,741 --> 00:39:08,780 Well? 723 00:39:11,340 --> 00:39:12,181 [sniffles] 724 00:39:13,780 --> 00:39:15,061 [Monica cries] 725 00:39:16,501 --> 00:39:17,780 I need the loo. 726 00:39:20,061 --> 00:39:21,221 [mouths] C'mon. 727 00:39:25,661 --> 00:39:27,181 [Debbie] So, what's she said? 728 00:39:27,261 --> 00:39:28,701 [Norma] She's thinking about it. 729 00:39:30,340 --> 00:39:32,501 I've offered her a baby. 730 00:39:32,581 --> 00:39:35,741 -A baby? -That's what I've promised 731 00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:37,541 if she'll come back. 732 00:39:37,621 --> 00:39:41,501 But, might have to get someone else to do it, though. 733 00:39:41,581 --> 00:39:43,421 How do two women... 734 00:39:43,501 --> 00:39:44,820 Turkey baster! 735 00:39:50,701 --> 00:39:52,061 [Monica tuts] Oh, Frank. 736 00:39:53,101 --> 00:39:54,860 I'm so confused. 737 00:39:56,581 --> 00:39:59,061 Norma's offered me a baby. 738 00:40:00,021 --> 00:40:01,541 I don't know what to do. 739 00:40:02,261 --> 00:40:03,101 Well, it's.. 740 00:40:06,501 --> 00:40:09,941 I mean, supposing it's all just words and... 741 00:40:10,021 --> 00:40:12,181 It all just gets tired again and... 742 00:40:14,101 --> 00:40:17,141 I end up... feeling trapped. 743 00:40:18,340 --> 00:40:20,181 Oh, Frank. 744 00:40:20,261 --> 00:40:21,701 I need a hug. 745 00:40:22,981 --> 00:40:25,581 Oh. Oh. 746 00:40:25,661 --> 00:40:26,780 [Frank grunts] 747 00:40:26,860 --> 00:40:28,141 [Monica] Oh! 748 00:40:34,860 --> 00:40:40,621 [Monica starts to hum a song] 749 00:40:45,581 --> 00:40:47,741 [humming louder] 750 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:51,300 -So, you get a turkey baster and you... -Is that singing? 751 00:40:51,380 --> 00:40:54,661 [muffled humming] 752 00:40:58,141 --> 00:40:59,581 I can't hear anything. 753 00:41:01,541 --> 00:41:04,981 [muffled moaning] 754 00:41:05,061 --> 00:41:06,461 [muffled moans intensifies] 755 00:41:06,541 --> 00:41:08,421 [muffled screams] 756 00:41:14,581 --> 00:41:15,661 [grunts] 757 00:41:16,941 --> 00:41:18,820 [both panting] 758 00:41:41,621 --> 00:41:44,261 Where's, where's the fucking remote? 759 00:41:46,141 --> 00:41:48,501 Oh, no, it's all right. You don't have to go. 760 00:41:48,581 --> 00:41:51,621 I'm sorry, Norma. I can't do it. 761 00:41:51,701 --> 00:41:53,340 It's my babies here I need. 762 00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:56,181 What are you talking about? 763 00:41:56,261 --> 00:41:58,661 I'm not coming back, Norm. 764 00:41:59,621 --> 00:42:03,501 And I am sorry to you three an' all, you went to so much trouble. 765 00:42:03,581 --> 00:42:05,101 Food was lovely, though. 766 00:42:06,780 --> 00:42:08,581 It's all right. 767 00:42:08,661 --> 00:42:10,101 I understand. 768 00:42:26,380 --> 00:42:27,340 [knock at door] 769 00:42:31,181 --> 00:42:32,461 Here. 770 00:42:32,541 --> 00:42:33,380 Cheers. 771 00:42:35,261 --> 00:42:37,621 So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna go home? 772 00:42:39,221 --> 00:42:40,181 Nah... 773 00:42:40,261 --> 00:42:41,261 she'll come round. 774 00:42:42,461 --> 00:42:43,981 She's just not thinking straight. 775 00:42:45,101 --> 00:42:48,780 She doesn't realise that she can have me as well as you lot. 776 00:42:48,860 --> 00:42:51,300 But she will and when she does, I'll be here. Waitin'. 777 00:42:55,300 --> 00:42:58,300 You can use the inside toilets from now on if you want to. 778 00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:01,581 Thanks. 779 00:43:03,501 --> 00:43:06,661 Electricity 40 pound a quarter. and I'll get you your rent book. 780 00:43:08,501 --> 00:43:09,501 Hey? 781 00:43:10,780 --> 00:43:13,820 We have to find a way of getting shot of her. We just have to... 782 00:43:15,300 --> 00:43:16,261 Sheila, will you... 783 00:43:16,340 --> 00:43:18,021 Not fighting her anymore, Frank. 784 00:43:18,101 --> 00:43:21,661 If she wants her babies she's entitled to that. 785 00:43:21,741 --> 00:43:23,261 Yeah, but, Sheila... 786 00:43:24,021 --> 00:43:26,461 It's too exhausting, hate. 787 00:43:26,541 --> 00:43:28,820 Anyway, the best woman's won. 788 00:43:28,901 --> 00:43:31,901 I'm married to you now, there's nothing she can do about that. 789 00:43:31,981 --> 00:43:34,261 And if you love someone, set them free. 790 00:43:34,340 --> 00:43:36,621 I'm setting you free, Frank. 791 00:43:36,701 --> 00:43:37,981 [breathes heavily] I'm trusting ya. 792 00:43:44,741 --> 00:43:45,981 [Frank] Hey. Hey. 793 00:43:46,061 --> 00:43:48,300 Hey! What you doing? 794 00:43:48,380 --> 00:43:50,101 There's too much sunlight yesterday. 795 00:43:50,181 --> 00:43:52,581 I'm feeling a bit insidey-outsidey. 796 00:43:52,661 --> 00:43:54,820 Thought I'd make these for myself. 797 00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:05,300 [Frank] Squidgy-gate. Camilla-gate. Watergate. 798 00:44:05,380 --> 00:44:07,780 Gareth Gates. I mean, what's it all about, eh? 799 00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:11,820 All these private, you know, secrets? 800 00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:14,380 And what good does it do, eh, to let them out? 801 00:44:14,461 --> 00:44:18,860 All you get's a load of... heartache and misery. 802 00:44:18,941 --> 00:44:22,061 And what you don't know can't hurt you, that's what I say. 803 00:44:22,141 --> 00:44:24,541 Ignorance is bliss. 804 00:44:24,621 --> 00:44:27,380 Plus, it must be true. I mean, look at George Bush. 805 00:44:27,461 --> 00:44:30,501 Thick as fuckin' shit, yet he smiles enough, doesn't he? 806 00:44:47,141 --> 00:44:49,021 -You've got to choose. -Why? 807 00:44:49,101 --> 00:44:51,421 You have to choose Sheila. She's the best thing about ya. 808 00:44:51,501 --> 00:44:54,501 [Frank] I demand the freedom not to choose! 809 00:44:54,581 --> 00:44:55,900 It's a fucking hand! 810 00:44:55,981 --> 00:44:57,061 Shit! 811 00:44:57,780 --> 00:44:59,421 [Carl] I've got a big cock. 812 00:44:59,501 --> 00:45:01,181 Of course you have, you took after me. 813 00:45:01,261 --> 00:45:03,900 You're not a vegetarian and you're not a lesbian, 814 00:45:03,981 --> 00:45:06,300 and you're having sex with my Frank. 815 00:45:06,900 --> 00:45:08,340 [Sheila screams] 816 00:45:08,421 --> 00:45:11,820 [screams] Sheila! 817 00:45:53,141 --> 00:45:56,021 [western movie music] 818 00:46:03,661 --> 00:46:05,900 Yee-haa!